It’s day 12 of isolation. Day 12 since I started working from home. Day 12 of not meeting friends or family, of guilt-inducing runs, of looking at other human beings as carriers instead of people. But it’s been longer since I started checking the news obsessively, worrying for my friends and family in Madrid, it’s been longer since I started having nightmares and anxiously picking at the skin next to my finger nails.
I am doing great, thank you.
All dark humor aside, I am not doing that bad. Yes, I am anxious and slightly bored. But I still have a job and my loved ones are healthy. And given the circumstances, that’s a lot to be thankful for right there. One thing I have been struggling with is trying to be productive with this quiet time. Every morning (especially on the weekends) I wake up with so many expectations about myself. So many things I want to accomplish in the hours ahead of me.
- Today I will organise my closet
- Today I will propagate my plants
- Today I will clean the kitchen
- Tidy up the spice cabinet
- Make chicken broth
- Do Laundry
- Today I will write a blog post
- Draw
- Make some collages
- Write the beginning of an award-winning novel
- Today I will go out for a run (I will go early in the morning, and keep 2m distance with everyone)
- I will do my daily yoga
- I will train to be able to do the splits after quarantine
- Today I will cut my boyfriend’s hair
- Bake banana bread
- Bring some banana bread to my neighbours
So the morning goes a bit something like this: I wake up, finish the latest book I have been reading (Today will be different, by Maria Semple, ironically), have breakfast, maybe manage a run or some at home yoga, play silly games on my phone, watch Netflix… and eventually lose the will to do anything else that is productive.
This Sunday, specifically, after reading a couple of heart-breaking articles about the virus, and watching some Disney Plus, I started to think about all the unfinished projects I had planed to do during the day, and about how little I wanted to do them, and how much I just wanted to hide under my duvet and forget about everything I had just read. So I took my laptop and headed to my bedroom, to do said hiding, and then somehow, the door frame hit my laptop, which hit my chin, which hurt so much, it made me cry.
And I continued to cry, for the next… 45 minutes? My chin didn’t hurt anymore, although it was sore to the touch and swollen, but the tears just kept coming.
Was I crying about all the injustice happening in the world right now? about the families who cannot say goodbye to their loved ones before they pass? about the people who die alone in ICU scared and confused? about the thought of an ice-skating rink having to be used to keep corpses, because Madrid simply cannot manage to burry them all at this speed? Or was I crying about my ever so messy closet, that I just couldn’t bring myself to tidy? Or about my dirty kitchen floors, with crumbs that stick to my bare feet?
I guess I was crying about it all. As stupid as that may sound.
I did muster some energy at the end of the day to work on some collages, which you can see throughout this article. And I somehow managed to convince myself that I don’t have to do everything on my quarantine bucket list. That maybe a quarantine bucket list is even more stupid than crying about my messy closet.
I am trying to cut myself some slack. And I hope you can too.
I feel you! This is such a difficult time, the only thing getting me through this is knowing that it will eventually end, though that doesn’t make the current situation much easier. For me, last week was really bad as it was the first week of self isolating and I had no routine and ended up not knowing what to do with myself and at some points not even knowing what day it was. Now, I’ve tried to regain some normality and routine by drawing up a time table and making sure that I get up/start work/go for a run at about the same time each day. This has made it so much easier and as we do have this vast expanse of time at home I’ve been trying to make the most of it by dedicating more time to writing and writing for myself rather than to a brief.
Also, LOVE these collage images! They’re so gorgeous!
Hope you are okay and staying safe! We’ll get through this! xx
https://www.flolavita.com/2020/03/corona-virus-were-all-in-this-together.html
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Thank you for all the positive energy ❤ I am glad routine is helping you to stay sane during these trying times, and it's so good to hear you are writing! I wish I felt inspired, but it seems like all I am inspired to do lately is eating haha
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this is so on time! i was just watching a video on our “obsession with productivity” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVwW6Jq3_TE
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I think we feel such a pressure to use all of this supposed “free” time at home to be productive, when really we should be encouraged to do what’s best for us as individuals. It helps me to keep busy, when I can, because that’s how my brain works – but other times, I can’t muster up the energy and just need to lay in bed watching YouTube videos for a while – and that’s okay! It’s also perfectly okay to feel all of your emotions as they’re completely valid too. I hope you are feeling a bit brighter 🙂 (PS I love these collages! They make me want to get my magazines and scissors to get crafting!)
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Thank you Sian! Please, do get those magazines and scissors! I would love to see what you come up with ❤ You are right, keeping busy does also help me, it's no coincidence that this particular breakdown happened on the weekend. But last weekend was so much better… progress!
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It’s my first time visiting your blog and I must say, the first thing that I noticed was the wonderful and aesthetic photos that I saw throughout your blog as I scrolled through. And then after reading this post and being able to connect with you and your words, I know that I’m definitely coming back to read more. During this difficult time, I know how hard it is to keep yourself together. I say this because I’ve always been used to going out, being actively present in the community, never at home. When you talked about when you started to cry when you hit your chin, it reminded me of myself the other day when I felt the exact same way but only, it was because I didn’t think I was being productive enough. The advice that I can give you is to just try and make most of it while you’re home, taking care of yourself and your mental health. It’s also a great time to be trying new things! I wish you well! 🙂
Salina | https://salinakhan.com
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Thank you Salina! Your words about my imagery make me really happy. I do try to make this place an aesthetically pleasing one 🙂 Seems like we are all crying lately, but hey, at least we are crying together, right?
Sending you lots of love ❤
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Oh, Isabel… I feel this. I feel all of this. There’s so much I want to say but I just don’t have the energy to sort my thoughts out… I just send you so much love. The world is crazy right now. One day at a time.
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Hi Isabel! Your honesty and vulnerability is indeed something to be admired. These past months have been hard indeed, and it really takes a toll on everyone – physically, emotionally, and mentally. That is why it’s great to have the will to be honest about our emotions and acknowledge how we feel as we process our next steps. I totally agree with you, we don’t have to necessarily tick off everything on our list, sometimes the small things or accomplishments for us serve as a huge nudge or inspiration for others. Your art inspired me today, so thank you!
I hope you are safe and doing well! Let’s keep in touch!
Cheers,
Hanna / Heydays With Hanna
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